"I firmly believe that 'Brunch With Gordon' is quite possibly the most important piece of literature ever created. It has the power to change the world." - Phillip Michael Thomas
From time to time here on 'Brunch With Gordon', we like to take a look at some of the 'Hot Button Topics' facing our society today and offer an unbiased and educated look at both sides of the debate.
So without further delay, here's hoping this week's forum is both helpful and informative.
'Pros And Cons Of Pit Bulls'
Pros: Pit Bulls are the most loyal and loving dogs in the world, bar none. Pit Bulls are notorious clowns and will alway make you laugh, even in spite of yourself. They are intelligent animals and will often invent games to keep themselves amused. Pit Bulls seem to subsist on love and attention and will do almost anything for a little special 'love 'n hugs' time. They are willing to give their lives to save the people they love. Despite what you may have heard in the news, Pit Bulls are great pets! (source - 'Pit Bulls On The Web' - 2006)
Move over George Clooney - there's an explosive new group of eligible bachelors in town and they're ready to blow things up in the new year! We've combed the sands of the Middle East in our search for Sexy and you won't believe what we've found. So put down those personals and feast your eyes on 'People' Magazine's 'Most Eligible Terrorist Bachelors In 2010':
NUMBER 7:
Name: Omar Ak-Salimi Age: 37 Occupation: Terrorist Kills: 14 Beard Length: 8 1/2 inches Favorite Musician: "I hate that I always forget his name, but the guy who sings background for Sting on the song 'Desert Rose'." Favorite Pick Up Line: "Your father must have been a camel herder because you have two of the most lovely burka humps I've ever seen!" Turn-Offs: "Women who take themselves too seriously and Christians." What 'People' Has To Say: "Think Mohammed Atta meets Johnny Depp... with a beard. Yummy!"
NUMBER SIX:
Name: Faruk Al-Saleema Age: 33 Occupation: Terrorist Kills: 17 Beard Length: 2 inches Favorite Movie: "Not Without My Daughter - JK:) Probably 'Titanic'" Worst Date Ever: "I took her out for Sushi and it turned out she was allergic to yellow tail. My horse smelled like vomit for at least three weeks." Turn Ons: "I like a tall woman with a big heart and kind eyes. I also like very toned girls from Florida." What 'People' Has To Say: "This hunk is hotter than Mecca in July - and every drop as sexy!"
NUMBER FIVE:
Name: Narsan Al-Rami
Age: 28
Occupation: Terrorist
Kills: 6
Beard Length: 5 inches
Favorite Athlete: Alla Abdulnabi (Basketball) and Tom Brady (Football)
New Year's Resolution: "To kill as many Americans as possible and lose five pounds."
If You Could Have Dinner With Three People: "Oh gosh, that's a tough one. First I'd have to go with Osama Bin-Laden because that guy is, like, THE BOMB! Next up, hmmm, maybe Jennifer Aniston because I love her movies but just can't figure out why she keeps getting dumped. What's that all about? The third person would be either Allah or Tom Brady because I'm pretty sure they both hate America as much as I do."
What 'People' Has To Say: "Two words - Cougar Bait!"
NUMBER FOUR:
Name: Ned Turner
Age: 42
Occupation: Terrorist
Kills: 28
Beard Length: 1 inch
Hometown: Dearborn, Michigan
Why He Chose Terrorism As A Career: "Growing up as a kid in Michigan, I always knew I wanted to kill for a living. Sprinkle in the fact I absolutely HATE cold weather and presto - Terrorist!"
Favorite Part Of A Woman's Body: "You guessed it - I'm an ass man."
What 'People' Has To Say: "Don't let the name fool you, ladies - this cold-blooded killer is more Muslim than a drawer full of exploding underpants and just as dirty."
NUMBER THREE:
Name: Hassan Abu Tanabli
Age: 30
Occupation: Terrorist
Kills: 5
Beard Length: NA
Pet Peeves: "Standing in line behind old people when they order food at McDonalds. Seriously, could they be more annoying?"
Favorite Band: Sixwire
Something People Would Be Surprised To Know About Me: "I currently have the third largest collection of 'Beanie Babies' in all of Yemen."
What 'People' Has To Say: "Hassan Abu Tanabli makes Orlando Bloom look like Wilford Brimley."
NUMBER TWO:
Name: Yuliqa Yufuqa
Age: 34
Occupation: Terrorist
Kills: 41
Beard Length: 3 inches
Current Crush: "Let's just say that Carrie gives me Underwood. Am I right?"
If You Had To Be Naked With Another Man In A Hot Tub: "Jimmy Smits - hands down. I would put my hands down Jimmy Smits."
Bucket List: "Kill at least nine more American citizens to make it an even fifty and then probably see the Great Wall of China or 'Rent' on Broadway."
What 'People' Has To Say: "Forget the quick wit and panty-melting smile - this guy is built like a Pakistani Yak and more intense than Ramadan with the In-Laws!"
NUMBER ONE:
Name: Tarq El-Abdullah
Age: 40
Occupation: Terrorist
Kills: 31
Beard Length: 1 inch
Favorite 'Golden Girl': "I'm a 'Rose' guy."
Favorite Book: "It's a toss up between 'The Lovely Bones' and the Qur'an. Actually, I'm giving the edge to the Qur'an because I recently saw 'The Lovely Bones' at the Cineplex and it just didn't live up to my expectations. What in the world was Peter Jackson thinking wasting so much screen time on poor Susie's 'in-between' life?"
First Sexual Experience: "I was 25 and she was 9... in goat years - buh dump bump. I love that joke!"
Why He Hates America: "How much time do you have? JK!!!!"
Nick Lachey: Hello, America. I'm Nick Lachey and welcome to the Season Premier of 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments - the number two world leader in preventing adult leakage of number one since 1973! Tonight, five amazing internet acts from all over the world will battle it out right before your very eyes for their chance to become the new 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments.
Crowd: Cheers.
Nick Lachey: I'm Nick Lachey, and before we find out who will be competing for the title of 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments this evening, let's first say hello to the three people making all the decisions around here tonight - your 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments Judges... starting with, a man who knows a little something about having some 'Good Times', Mr. Jimmy 'JJ' Walker.
Crowd: Cheers.
Jimmy Walker Waves.
Nick Lachey: Next up, she's an Academy Award winning actress and recently went public about her brush with domestic violence at the hands of William Hurt. Show a little 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments love to the uber-talented and completely deaf, Marlee Matlin.
Crowd: Cheers.
Marlee Matlin Waves.
Nick Lachey: And finally, a man who once referred to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi as "being more vile and disgusting than Rosie O'Donnell's jock strap after a three-hour spinning class'. The always lovable, Mr. Gordon Von Pants!
Crowd: Cheers
Gordon: Thanks, Dick. Can I call you Dick?
Nick Lachey: Actually, it's Nick.
Gordon: Thanks, Dick. And may I say, you honestly are a massive tool and it makes me sick to see you hosting shows on television. You make Joey Fatone look like Ed Sullivan. (To Camera) Honestly, the guy has no talent whatsoever and all I really want to do is crawl over this 'Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments' sponsored desk and punch him in the face. To all you kids out there - Nick Lachey is living proof that looks are everything and I hate him as much or slightly more than Nazi Germany.
Nick Lachey: Let's give a big hand to our judges!
Crowd: Cheers.
Nick Lachey: And now, here's a quick look at how tonight is going to play out. One by one, all five of our acts will get the chance to strut their stuff in front of you, the home viewer. Then, after each performance, our esteemed panel of judges will offer them constructive and entertaining criticism before finally assigning a numerical score to each act. At the end of the night, the contestant with the highest total score will be crowned your new 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments. Pretty cool, huh?
Crowd: Cheers.
Gordon: Dick or Nick or whatever you're going by these days, if you don't mind, I'm just going to go ahead and address the gigantic pink elephant in the room right here and now. If we absolutely must be sponsored by an adult diaper, why the hell isn't it 'Depends'? I mean, they are the leader in...(Mic Shut Off).
Nick Lachey: And now, without further delay, I have just one question for all the fans out there: Are you ready to get this party started?
Crowd: Cheers.
Nick Lachey: Then let's sell some Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments. Here with our first performance of the night - They're old, they're bold and they're ready to knock your socks off right now. Make some noise for the FBC Adult Choir!
Nick Lachey: Way to go! That was really awesome. One more time for the FBC Adult Choir.
Crowd: Cheers
Nick Lachey: I thought you were just terrific, but as we all know, I don't have a vote, so let's see what our Judges thought.
Jimmy Walker: Somebody tell Buffalo Butt we don't need no heat turned on tonight, 'cuz according to me, Jimmy Walker, this group right here is Dyn-o-mite!
Gordon: First off, here's hoping the good people at Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments spring for an interpreter before the commercial break, because if I have to sit here and listen to this woman's clicking all night long, somebody's going to get William Hurt.
Crowd: Boos.
Gordon: I kid, I kid. I love deaf people. But now to the performance. Honestly, I just don't really get it. You're old? Is that supposed to make this funny? You didn't sing well and the whole thing just seemed kind of forced. And by the smell coming off that YouTube clip, I'm guessing about 30 percent of you dropped a little loaf in your robes during the performance. Am I right? How's that for product integration, Mr. Salk?
Crowd: Boos.
Gordon: So here's the thing, if I want to laugh at old people, I'll watch 'The Golden Girls' or just go to the library. The whole performance just kind of sucked for me and I really hope you all listen to what I'm saying and stop doing crap like this in the future. Just buy a nice chair and sit in it 'til bedtime. Really disappointing.
Crowd: Boos.
Nick Lachey: Ok. Now let's take a look at the Judge's Scores.
JJ Walker - 8, Marlee Matlin - 9, Gordon - 1.
Nick Lachey: Which gives you a grand total of 15.
Gordon: Actually it adds up to 18 you pillow biting moron. (To Camera) Kids, do anything and everything possible to be good looking. It's the most important thing in the world.
Nick Lachey: Which gives you a grand total of 18. Congrats and let's hope it stands up until the end of the show.
Gordon: That's what she said.
Nick Lachey: Give it up one more time for the FBC Adult Choir!
Crowd: Cheers.
Nick Lachey: And now, here with our second performance of the night, hoping to to beat a score of 18 and proving you're never too young to do the 'Stanky Leg' - make some noise for 'Stanky Leg Baby'!
Nick Lachey: Wow. That was just awesome. You really gave it all you had. Nice work, 'Stanky Leg Baby'. Let's see what our Judges thought.
JJ Walker: I loved it in all kinds of weather, 'cuz 'Stanky Leg Baby', you got it all together. Dynomite!
Gordon: Well spit, Marlee. Honestly, I asked for the news, not the weather, and by weather I mean the flying saliva of a deaf Academy Award winning actress who hasn't really done anything impressive since the 90's.
Crowd: Boos.
Gordon: I kid. Most of my friends are deaf people who talk funny. But seriously, Baby Stanky Leg, I don't get it. You're a baby and you're dancing to a popular hip-hop song. What's so impressive about that? I can do what you just did, so it's not that impressive to me. Not funny, not entertaining, not talented - sounds kind of like Nick Lachey.
Crowd: Boos.
Gordon: And one more last little tidbit. Is it just me or is anyone else scared to death that this kid is going to grow up into a thug who more than likely will be involved in a violent crime by the age of 18? No, this isn't racist, I'm just using common sense here. If you teach your baby to do the 'Stanky Leg' before it's second birthday, something tells me he or she will be learning how to do the 'Assault and Battery Leg' before their sophomore year in high school. I think the parents should invest in a tape of The Wiggles and maybe aim a touch higher. Parting shot - I also think this kid is fat.
Crowd: Boos.
Nick Lachey: Ok, 'Stanky Leg Baby', let's check your score.
JJ Walker - 9, Marlee Matlin - 9, Gordon - 1.
Nick Lachey: Ladies and gentleman, with a combined score of... (counting in his head for what seems like forever) 19, give it up for your new leader, 'Stanky Leg Baby'!
Crowd: Cheers.
Nick Lachey: Now, here with our third performance of the night, hoping to walk away with the coveted title of 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments, feast your eyes on this:
Nick Lachey: Wow. You are just awesome and brave for bearing your soul in such a public display. Great job and really well done. Now remember, you have to beat the score of 19 already posted by 'Stanky Leg Baby', so let's throw it over to our Judges and see how you did.
Jimmy Walker: Last night I dreampt I was chasin' this foxy chick... and her father was chasin' me, and the muggers was chasin' him, and the police was chasin' the muggers. Sort of a ghetto marathon! I thought it was dyn-o-mite!
Gordon: In the words of the late, great Walter Cronkite, "You suck gigantic rhino nuts." C'mon, dude, your dignity called and it wants you to pick up some tampons on the way home. What kind of moron would ever do this in private, let alone post it on the internet. And who the hell is this Veronica chick and what makes her so special? Listen to me when I say - Ain't no woman good enough to make a man call himself a douchebag. (to Marlee Matlin) Isn't that right, Motor Mouth?
Marlee Matlin: (extends the middle finger).
Gordon: For all of you blind people watching at home, Marlee Matlin has just given me the middle finger. But back to the performance. It just sucked. You're not funny, you're not cute and you probably listen to Jason Mraz. In closing, the whole thing was more pathetic than watching Nick Lachey get dumped in public by Jessica Simpson and then threatening to sue her for alimony because he was too scared of her Dad to just ask for a lump sum payoff in exchange for his silence. Isn't that right, Nick-O?
Nick Lachey: I'm currently engaged to Vanessa Minnillo and making 40 grand an episode hosting television shows like this on NBC.
Gordon: Nick Lachey is the reason Muslims hate America.
Nick Lachey: And now for the all important scores. Remember, uh, Douchebag Guy, 19 is the score to beat. Let's see what the Judges gave you.
Jimmy Walker - 8, Marlee Matlin - 7, Gordon - 1.
Nick Lachey: Oh my, that's a grand total of 16, which means not good enough. Best wishes in the future and good luck getting back together with Veronica. One last time for, uh, Douchebag Guy, everybody!
Crowd: Cheers
Nick Lachey: (To Crowd) Are you people having fun?
Crowd: Cheers.
Nick Lachey: Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments in da House!
Crowd: Confused at first, then Cheers.
Nick Lachey: Let's keep this party going. Here with our fourth performance of the night. One of the hottest young singers to come along in quite some time. Make some noise for the one and only Justin Bieber!
Nick Lachey: Honestly, that may have been even too gay for me, but let's see what the Judges think.
Jimmy Walker: I want to beat you with a stick.
Crowd: Cheers.
Marlee Matlin: I haaaattte youuurrrrrr gruttttttttttsss.
Crowd: Cheers.
Gordon: I think Marlee just stole my thoughts exactly, even though I have absolutely no clue what she just said. What I am certain about is the fact that Justin Bieber is evil and needs to be stopped at all costs.
Crowd: Cheers.
Nick Lachey: Can't say that I disagree, and I was in 98 degrees, so you know it's gotta be pretty bad. Judges scores...
Jimmy Walker - 0, Marlee Matlin - 0, Gordon - 0.
Nick Lachey: Wow. That's really bad. Well best of luck to Justin Bieber as he sells out stadiums and impregnates much older women for years to come. The music industry is just really horrible right now. Justin Bieber, everybody!
Crowd: Boos.
Nick Lachey: And now, before we get to our fifth and final performer of the night, won't you please join me in welcoming the founder and CEO of Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments, Mr. Gary Salk.
Crowd: Cheers.
Gary Salk: Thank you Nick Lachey and great job to all of our competitors so far this evening. Did you know that every 3 minutes, an adult somewhere in America accidentally soils his or herself due to incontinence? We here at Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments firmly believe that with lots of hard work and a little creative thinking, that number can go up to about 9 or 10 minutes by the year 2014. (Holds up product) The Salk Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarment offers a discrete absorbent pad with a soft, quilted top layer that wicks moisture and prevents painful bunching. Our super-durable inner fecal pad actually traps excrement and locks in liquids with 5 percent more efficiency than our nearest competitor. So the next time you accidentally empty your bowels in public, don't 'Depend' on anything other than Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments or 'urine' trouble. Thank you for watching, and now let's get back to the show.
Crowd: Cheers.
Nick Lachey: Great job, Gary, and God bless you and your staff. Now, here with the final performance of the night, needing to beat the score of 19 already posted by 'Stanky Leg Baby', put your hands together for three of the cutest little creatures this side of Alvin, Simon and Theodore, it's 'The Castillo Kids'!
Nick Lachey: Oh my goodness, could they possibly get any cuter? You three were just precious. Great job and I'm sure you've made your family watching at home incredibly proud. Just too cute. So here' the situation - 'Stanky Leg Baby' currently has a score of 19, which means you'll need at least a 20 to take home the title of 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments. Judges, let's hear it.
Jimmy Walker: You three are sweeter than a chow line and more precious than a food stamp stuck to the bottom of my good shoe. Jimmy Walker knows talent, and Jimmy Walker thinks 'The Castillo Kids' are Dyn-o-mite!
Crowd: Cheers.
Marlee Matlin: (raises one finger), (click), (points to her mouth), Faaaaaaaaaabbbbrrrrrruuuuuulllllllllouuuuurrrrrrrrsssssssssssssssssss.
Crowd: Cheers.
Gordon: (To Marlee) I'm guessing you've never successfully ordered Chinese Food over the phone?
Crowd: Boos Vehemently.
Gordon: C'mon. I love Chinese people. I love everybody. That is, everybody BUT 'The Castillo Kids'. Honestly, I am so sick and tired of watching singers get younger and younger. Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, The Jonas Brothers. At this rate we're just going to start hooking up amps to pregnant women's stomachs and selling it on iTunes for 99 cents a pop. Whatever happened to old people like Kenny Rogers, Crystal Gayle or Jewel? Are the Castillo kids cute? Sure, but so is my dog pooping on my neighbors cat, and you don't see me getting all excited about that very often anymore, do you? Here's the deal, a few minutes ago I was repulsed by 'Stanky Leg Baby' and the effects it may have on us as a culture, but now I understand the performance and totally support the message 'Stanky Leg Baby' is trying to get across. More 'stank' and less 'cute' is probably what this world needs right about now. We need more 'Castillo Kids' about as much as Stevie Wonder needs another venereal disease. Their whole performance just made me sick - kind of like every time I think about our impossibly moronic Host getting to bathe with Vanessa Minnillo whenever he wants to without having to offer her a 'talent holding deal' on MTV like the last guy she dated.
Nick Lachey: Lighten up a little, Gordon. Don't you think you're being a little bit hard on everybody tonight?
Nick Lachey: Moving right along. Five talented acts showed up here tonight in hopes of walking away with the coveted title of 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments. So far, three have failed at their quest, and only one last group has the chance to steal the crown away from 'Stanky Leg Baby'. Now for the moment you've all been waiting for. Let's get to the Judges scores and find out who our big winner will be tonight.
Jimmy Walker - 10, Marlee Matlin - 10.
Gordon: So let me get this straight - so far 'The Castillo Kids' have a 20 and 'Baby Stanky Leg' has a 19?
Nick Lachey: You are correct, which technically means your vote doesn't really matter and we already have a winner.
Gordon: No so fast, douchebag. As I mentioned before, the only thing more dangerous to our country right now than gang members in training is cute young non-gang members taking over the airwaves and knocking people like Eddie Money and Alabama off the charts. I'm casting my vote for the future of America and I'm giving 'The Castillo Kids' a negative two.
Crowd: Boos and Hisses.
Nick Lachey: Actually, Gordon, I don't think you're technically allowed to do that.
Gordon: I've got pictures of you humping Lance Bass at an America Music Awards after-party in 2003 on my iPhone.
Nick Lachey: And there you have it. With a grand total of 19 points, your winner of the first ever 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments is... 'Stanky Leg Baby'... thanks to Gordon's unprecedented vote of negative two points for a family of adorable and well-mannered Latino children singers.
Crowd: Cheers, Boos, Wild Applause and smattered Guffaws.
Nick Lachey: Unfortunately, 'Stanky Leg Baby' is currently embroiled in a domestic dispute at home right this very moment and therefore unable to accept the 'Golden Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarment' award in person, but I do understand we have 'Stanky Leg Baby's Mama' on the phone via YouTube right now. Go ahead, 'Stanky Leg Baby Mama'.
Nick Lachey: Well I certainly do hope everything turns out for the best over there. Thanks again to our Judges and four losing acts for doing such a wonderful job tonight. And congrats once again to 'Stanky Leg Baby' for becoming the first ever 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments. I'm Nick Lachey saying - keep your feet on the ground and your excrement in your Salk's. (To producer off camera) Really? Good night, everybody!
With only a few short hours left in 2009, I thought now would be a good time to sit back, kick back and take a look back at the year that was in Douchebaggery (and by the way, if the word 'Douchebaggery' isn't already trademarked, I call dibs).
Now before I get to my list of of the 'Top 8 Douchebags of 2009' (TM), I'd like to take a quick moment here and congratulate all those who tried so hard to suck over the last 12 months but came up just a touch short.
HONORABLE MENTION:
Jason Mraz (#8 in 2008) - If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - Jason Mraz absolutely positively MrSucks. His song, 'I'm Yours', was played ad nauseam on both radio and television for the greater part of '09 and caused me to search Google ad nauseam for anything related to 'Jason Mraz Toilet Paper'. If you're a guy and you listen to Jason Mraz, chances are you also like discussing Olympic Figure Skating at fondu parties and watching 'Keeping Up With The Kardashian's' while eating sushi on your futon. I haven't hated a man this much with such an annoying last name since Kent Hrbek of the Minnesota Twins in the mid-90's. Before that, it was the entire Hmong nation. Keep it up, Senor MrSuck-a-lot, and you'll find yourself back in the coveted 'Top 8' come 2010.
Justin Bieber (Not Listed in 2008) - Holy crap do I hate this kid! He's like a cross between Nick Jonas and Ude Hussein. Special thanks to TMZ for introducing this prepubescent douchebag to anyone over the age of 12. At his current rate of doucheness, I think we could be looking at a Top 3 finish in 2010 for Master Bieber! By the way, I firmly believe that by no later than 2013, people will stop referring to gross men as 'douchebags' and simply call them 'Biebers'.
Peter Cetera (Not Listed in 2008) - C'mon, dude, it's been long enough. How in the name of Pat Morita do you blow us away in the 80's and 90's with the voice of an angel then totally blow us off for the entire last decade? Cut the crap and make a record, PC. Take your own advice and fight for our honor, be the hero we've been dreaming of, stay the night (I'm straight as a board - but if the man is singing, I'll find a cot). Bottom line - if I don't hear something new on the radio by next December, you're moving into the 'Top 8'. How's that for inspiration?
And now for the moment you've all been waiting for. After months of research, hours of debate and ten minutes of typing, I proudly give you...
'The Top Eight Douchebags Of 2009'
8.) Chris Brown - And to think, only five short months ago, this douchebag was a virtual lock for the Top 5! Here's the deal - I think Rihanna is a pain in the ass and probably deserved at the very least a strongly worded letter for her poor behavior. But in the words of the late great Bea Arthur, "Ain't no man got no right to put his hands on a ho's grill." And as if slappin' the sultry Bahamian songstress weren't awful enough, Mr. Brown also gave us the vomit inducing 'Wedding Entrance Song' as seen by millions on YouTube (and thousands on NBC's 'The Office'). Thanks for 'Doubling Our Pleasure' in '09, Douchebag!
7.) Kobe Bryant - I hate this a-hole more than terrorism. Seriously, how sick was it during the NBA Finals to see the national sports media fawning all over KB less than five years after he forcibly sodomized a woman in a Colorado hotel room while his wife was eight months pregnant. You won't hear that sentence on ESPN very often. "NBA Action - It's Faaaaaantastic (other than the fact the league MVP avoided a rape charge by paying off the victim)!" Every time I see a hot girl wearing a #8 Lakers jersey in Los Angeles, I want to introduce her to Chris Brown.
6.) Matt Damon - Since when did we nominate this douchebag to be the 'Official Voice of Politics in America'? If I were ever trapped in an elevator with Matt Damon, a gun and one bullet, I would take the lighter out of my pocket, melt down the gun and bullet into a spear, then stab Maaat Daaamon straight through his blow hole. And another thing - if you believe for a second this prick had anything to do with writing 'Good Will Hunting', then I'm guessing you also think Taylor Lautner is straight (more like 'Bi-Light' if you ask me). Seriously, MD, just shut up and do more 'Bourne' movies - those are cool. What's not cool is when actors try saying anything not written for them by really smart writers. Next time Matty sits down with Charles Gibson to talk about why the middle of the country is so horrible, I have a little script I'd like for him to read: "My name is Matt Damon and I'm the Number 6 Douchebag of 2009!" How do you like them apples! (Lamest line of the entire blog).
5. Andre Agassi - Just so we're all on the same page - this douchebag was high on crystal meth and worried about his toupee falling off while battling Pete Sampras for the US Open Championship in 1993? Sounds like my prom night - ZINGER! But seriously, who does crap like this, gets away with it, cements his legacy in the history of tennis, then retires and writes a book basically telling the world he's a massive douchebag? That would be like Barack Obama getting elected President, intentionally throwing the country into a financial crisis the likes of which we'll never fully recover, secretly appointing a handful of liberals to carry out his hidden agenda of doing away with everything that ever made America great in the first place, then losing his bid for re-election in 2014 and writing a book about the whole sleazy ordeal. Wait a second... Congrats to AA for being the number five DB of '09!
4.) Charlie Sheen - 'Two And A Half Men'? More like 'Two And A Half Felonies'! (Rim Shot). But seriously, Chaz Baby, OJ Simpson called and he wants his knife back! (Rim Shot). Here's my question: At this point, what exactly does Mr. Sheen have to do to get fired from his show on CBS? Forget extensive background checks for reality show contestants, Mr. Moonves - this guy tried killing his wife in a drunken rage at eight o'clock in the morning on Christmas Day! That would be like Jessica Seinfeld trying to bludgeon Jerry Seinfeld to death with a dradle on Yom Kippur. "What's the deal with attempted murder?" Now one could argue that any woman who marries Charlie Sheen kind of knows what she's getting into, but that still doesn't excuse this douchebag from nabbing the number four spot on my 'Top Eight Douchebags of 2009' list. My only hope is that if Sheen absolutely must kill - he re-focus all his attention on the morbidly fat and annoying child actor who currently plays his nephew on the show.
3.) Levi Johnston - In preparation for this selection, I spent a few minutes thumbing through the book of Revelation, and while nowhere did I actually see the name Levi Johnston, I'm still pretty certain he is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. But before going any further, and in the interest of fairness - let those of us who have NOT impregnated a Vice-Presidential nominee's underaged daughter, spilled their family secrets on 'The View' and then posed nude for Playgirl - cast the first stone. Anyone? Everyone? Ok. If you look up the word 'Douchebag' in the dictionary, you see a picture of, well, Kobe Bryant. But if you scan down a bit further, you'll find LJ in all his douche-tastic glory. Speaking of 'The View', and tastefully done nude pics - who do you think has the bigger penis - Levi or Joy Behar? Anyway, congrats to LeJo for sucking the big one in '09!
2.) Tiger Woods - What can I say that hasn't already been said? Tiger Woods has less class than an inner-city high school during Christmas break? This guy makes Charlie Sheen look like Justin Bieber. But for real, if you absolutely positively must cheat on your bikini model wife and mother of your two innocent children, at least go for the gold with someone like Salma Hayek or Bar Rafael - not a night shift manager at the local Perkins and some blonde haired skank from Sin City who looks like a poor man's version of Cousin Eddy's oldest daughter in 'Vegas Vacation'. Sad as it is, I guess the age old saying is true -somewhere in the world right now, there's a guy who is sick and tired of having sexual relations with Halle Berry. Speaking of Halle Berry - does it strike anyone else as odd that back in the late '90's, David Justice reportedly beat her with a baseball bat, while just last month, Elin Nordegren reportedly beat her bitch with a 7-iron? But honestly, did we all really think that a grown man in his mid-30's who still refers to himself as 'Tiger' wasn't a pee hole? Congrats to Eldrick on an amazing 2009 - both on the course and in the sack!
1.) Dave Letterman - Growing up as a young boy in Indiana, Dave Letterman was my idol. Then along came Taylor Hicks and, well, let's just say I'm a sucker for gray hair and a soulful voice, but I digress. From all of us here at 'Brunch With Gordon', congrats to Dave Letterman for being the 2009 'Douchebag of the Year'! Here's hoping your wife Regina and five-year-old son Harry are proud of everything you've done in the last few months to completely ruin both your life and theirs. Granted, the 'Late Show' hasn't been funny since the early 90's, and you yourself have gone from a slightly cynical yet always hilarious midwestern comedian to a bitter and irresponsible New York City neo-liberal in the span of slightly less than a decade, but boning interns and co-workers on a regular basis while blasting other public figures for their indiscretions each and every weeknight at 11:30pm really made this pick a no-brainer. If I were locked in a closet with Dave Letterman and the bloody corpse of Matt Damon with a metal spear poking through his blow hole, I'd probably just tell Dave I feel sorry for how far he's fallen and what a massive bag of douche he turned out to be. Then I'd pick up Matt Damon's lifeless body and use it as a human battering ram to bust open the locked door so I could get back to my place in time to watch "Red Eye' at midnight.
So that's it. Another year, another amazingly wonderful display of douche-tastic male behavior. Here's looking at an even better 2010 and my apologies to the parents of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab for leaving their son off the list this Holiday Season. Apparently I wasn't the only person to make this mistake. ZING!
COMING NEXT WEEK - 'FIRST MAILBAG OF 2010' - get your questions and comments in early because I'm planning on sleeping from Saturday night until Monday morning in protest of the Colts decision not to go for 16-0.
"I wake up every morning, jump out of bed and say to myself, "Rise and shine, Gordo. It's time to make the magic." Then I usually just get back into bed and go back to sleep until I have to use the bathroom."
