'The Top 8 Douchebags Of 2009'

Hello Friends,

With only a few short hours left in 2009, I thought now would be a good time to sit back, kick back and take a look back at the year that was in Douchebaggery (and by the way, if the word 'Douchebaggery' isn't already trademarked, I call dibs).

Now before I get to my list of of the 'Top 8 Douchebags of 2009' (TM), I'd like to take a quick moment here and congratulate all those who tried so hard to suck over the last 12 months but came up just a touch short.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Jason Mraz (#8 in 2008) - If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - Jason Mraz absolutely positively MrSucks. His song, 'I'm Yours', was played ad nauseam on both radio and television for the greater part of '09 and caused me to search Google ad nauseam for anything related to 'Jason Mraz Toilet Paper'. If you're a guy and you listen to Jason Mraz, chances are you also like discussing Olympic Figure Skating at fondu parties and watching 'Keeping Up With The Kardashian's' while eating sushi on your futon. I haven't hated a man this much with such an annoying last name since Kent Hrbek of the Minnesota Twins in the mid-90's. Before that, it was the entire Hmong nation. Keep it up, Senor MrSuck-a-lot, and you'll find yourself back in the coveted 'Top 8' come 2010.

Justin Bieber (Not Listed in 2008) - Holy crap do I hate this kid! He's like a cross between Nick Jonas and Ude Hussein. Special thanks to TMZ for introducing this prepubescent douchebag to anyone over the age of 12. At his current rate of doucheness, I think we could be looking at a Top 3 finish in 2010 for Master Bieber! By the way, I firmly believe that by no later than 2013, people will stop referring to gross men as 'douchebags' and simply call them 'Biebers'.

Peter Cetera (Not Listed in 2008) - C'mon, dude, it's been long enough. How in the name of Pat Morita do you blow us away in the 80's and 90's with the voice of an angel then totally blow us off for the entire last decade? Cut the crap and make a record, PC. Take your own advice and fight for our honor, be the hero we've been dreaming of, stay the night (I'm straight as a board - but if the man is singing, I'll find a cot). Bottom line - if I don't hear something new on the radio by next December, you're moving into the 'Top 8'. How's that for inspiration?

And now for the moment you've all been waiting for. After months of research, hours of debate and ten minutes of typing, I proudly give you...

'The Top Eight Douchebags Of 2009'

8.) Chris Brown - And to think, only five short months ago, this douchebag was a virtual lock for the Top 5! Here's the deal - I think Rihanna is a pain in the ass and probably deserved at the very least a strongly worded letter for her poor behavior. But in the words of the late great Bea Arthur, "Ain't no man got no right to put his hands on a ho's grill." And as if slappin' the sultry Bahamian songstress weren't awful enough, Mr. Brown also gave us the vomit inducing 'Wedding Entrance Song' as seen by millions on YouTube (and thousands on NBC's 'The Office'). Thanks for 'Doubling Our Pleasure' in '09, Douchebag!

7.) Kobe Bryant - I hate this a-hole more than terrorism. Seriously, how sick was it during the NBA Finals to see the national sports media fawning all over KB less than five years after he forcibly sodomized a woman in a Colorado hotel room while his wife was eight months pregnant. You won't hear that sentence on ESPN very often. "NBA Action - It's Faaaaaantastic (other than the fact the league MVP avoided a rape charge by paying off the victim)!" Every time I see a hot girl wearing a #8 Lakers jersey in Los Angeles, I want to introduce her to Chris Brown.

6.) Matt Damon - Since when did we nominate this douchebag to be the 'Official Voice of Politics in America'? If I were ever trapped in an elevator with Matt Damon, a gun and one bullet, I would take the lighter out of my pocket, melt down the gun and bullet into a spear, then stab Maaat Daaamon straight through his blow hole. And another thing - if you believe for a second this prick had anything to do with writing 'Good Will Hunting', then I'm guessing you also think Taylor Lautner is straight (more like 'Bi-Light' if you ask me). Seriously, MD, just shut up and do more 'Bourne' movies - those are cool. What's not cool is when actors try saying anything not written for them by really smart writers. Next time Matty sits down with Charles Gibson to talk about why the middle of the country is so horrible, I have a little script I'd like for him to read: "My name is Matt Damon and I'm the Number 6 Douchebag of 2009!" How do you like them apples! (Lamest line of the entire blog).

5. Andre Agassi - Just so we're all on the same page - this douchebag was high on crystal meth and worried about his toupee falling off while battling Pete Sampras for the US Open Championship in 1993? Sounds like my prom night - ZINGER! But seriously, who does crap like this, gets away with it, cements his legacy in the history of tennis, then retires and writes a book basically telling the world he's a massive douchebag? That would be like Barack Obama getting elected President, intentionally throwing the country into a financial crisis the likes of which we'll never fully recover, secretly appointing a handful of liberals to carry out his hidden agenda of doing away with everything that ever made America great in the first place, then losing his bid for re-election in 2014 and writing a book about the whole sleazy ordeal. Wait a second... Congrats to AA for being the number five DB of '09!

4.) Charlie Sheen - 'Two And A Half Men'? More like 'Two And A Half Felonies'! (Rim Shot). But seriously, Chaz Baby, OJ Simpson called and he wants his knife back! (Rim Shot). Here's my question: At this point, what exactly does Mr. Sheen have to do to get fired from his show on CBS? Forget extensive background checks for reality show contestants, Mr. Moonves - this guy tried killing his wife in a drunken rage at eight o'clock in the morning on Christmas Day! That would be like Jessica Seinfeld trying to bludgeon Jerry Seinfeld to death with a dradle on Yom Kippur. "What's the deal with attempted murder?" Now one could argue that any woman who marries Charlie Sheen kind of knows what she's getting into, but that still doesn't excuse this douchebag from nabbing the number four spot on my 'Top Eight Douchebags of 2009' list. My only hope is that if Sheen absolutely must kill - he re-focus all his attention on the morbidly fat and annoying child actor who currently plays his nephew on the show.

3.) Levi Johnston - In preparation for this selection, I spent a few minutes thumbing through the book of Revelation, and while nowhere did I actually see the name Levi Johnston, I'm still pretty certain he is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. But before going any further, and in the interest of fairness - let those of us who have NOT impregnated a Vice-Presidential nominee's underaged daughter, spilled their family secrets on 'The View' and then posed nude for Playgirl - cast the first stone. Anyone? Everyone? Ok. If you look up the word 'Douchebag' in the dictionary, you see a picture of, well, Kobe Bryant. But if you scan down a bit further, you'll find LJ in all his douche-tastic glory. Speaking of 'The View', and tastefully done nude pics - who do you think has the bigger penis - Levi or Joy Behar? Anyway, congrats to LeJo for sucking the big one in '09!

2.) Tiger Woods - What can I say that hasn't already been said? Tiger Woods has less class than an inner-city high school during Christmas break? This guy makes Charlie Sheen look like Justin Bieber. But for real, if you absolutely positively must cheat on your bikini model wife and mother of your two innocent children, at least go for the gold with someone like Salma Hayek or Bar Rafael - not a night shift manager at the local Perkins and some blonde haired skank from Sin City who looks like a poor man's version of Cousin Eddy's oldest daughter in 'Vegas Vacation'. Sad as it is, I guess the age old saying is true -somewhere in the world right now, there's a guy who is sick and tired of having sexual relations with Halle Berry. Speaking of Halle Berry - does it strike anyone else as odd that back in the late '90's, David Justice reportedly beat her with a baseball bat, while just last month, Elin Nordegren reportedly beat her bitch with a 7-iron? But honestly, did we all really think that a grown man in his mid-30's who still refers to himself as 'Tiger' wasn't a pee hole? Congrats to Eldrick on an amazing 2009 - both on the course and in the sack!

1.) Dave Letterman - Growing up as a young boy in Indiana, Dave Letterman was my idol. Then along came Taylor Hicks and, well, let's just say I'm a sucker for gray hair and a soulful voice, but I digress. From all of us here at 'Brunch With Gordon', congrats to Dave Letterman for being the 2009 'Douchebag of the Year'! Here's hoping your wife Regina and five-year-old son Harry are proud of everything you've done in the last few months to completely ruin both your life and theirs. Granted, the 'Late Show' hasn't been funny since the early 90's, and you yourself have gone from a slightly cynical yet always hilarious midwestern comedian to a bitter and irresponsible New York City neo-liberal in the span of slightly less than a decade, but boning interns and co-workers on a regular basis while blasting other public figures for their indiscretions each and every weeknight at 11:30pm really made this pick a no-brainer. If I were locked in a closet with Dave Letterman and the bloody corpse of Matt Damon with a metal spear poking through his blow hole, I'd probably just tell Dave I feel sorry for how far he's fallen and what a massive bag of douche he turned out to be. Then I'd pick up Matt Damon's lifeless body and use it as a human battering ram to bust open the locked door so I could get back to my place in time to watch "Red Eye' at midnight.

So that's it. Another year, another amazingly wonderful display of douche-tastic male behavior. Here's looking at an even better 2010 and my apologies to the parents of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab for leaving their son off the list this Holiday Season. Apparently I wasn't the only person to make this mistake. ZING!

COMING NEXT WEEK - 'FIRST MAILBAG OF 2010' - get your questions and comments in early because I'm planning on sleeping from Saturday night until Monday morning in protest of the Colts decision not to go for 16-0.