'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments

Nick Lachey: Hello, America. I'm Nick Lachey and welcome to the Season Premier of 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments - the number two world leader in preventing adult leakage of number one since 1973! Tonight, five amazing internet acts from all over the world will battle it out right before your very eyes for their chance to become the new 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments.

Crowd: Cheers.

Nick Lachey: I'm Nick Lachey, and before we find out who will be competing for the title of 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments this evening, let's first say hello to the three people making all the decisions around here tonight - your 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments Judges... starting with, a man who knows a little something about having some 'Good Times', Mr. Jimmy 'JJ' Walker.

Crowd: Cheers.

Jimmy Walker Waves.

Nick Lachey: Next up, she's an Academy Award winning actress and recently went public about her brush with domestic violence at the hands of William Hurt. Show a little 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments love to the uber-talented and completely deaf, Marlee Matlin.

Crowd: Cheers.

Marlee Matlin Waves.

Nick Lachey: And finally, a man who once referred to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi as "being more vile and disgusting than Rosie O'Donnell's jock strap after a three-hour spinning class'. The always lovable, Mr. Gordon Von Pants!

Crowd: Cheers

Gordon: Thanks, Dick. Can I call you Dick?

Nick Lachey: Actually, it's Nick.

Gordon: Thanks, Dick. And may I say, you honestly are a massive tool and it makes me sick to see you hosting shows on television. You make Joey Fatone look like Ed Sullivan. (To Camera) Honestly, the guy has no talent whatsoever and all I really want to do is crawl over this 'Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments' sponsored desk and punch him in the face. To all you kids out there - Nick Lachey is living proof that looks are everything and I hate him as much or slightly more than Nazi Germany.

Nick Lachey: Let's give a big hand to our judges!

Crowd: Cheers.

Nick Lachey: And now, here's a quick look at how tonight is going to play out. One by one, all five of our acts will get the chance to strut their stuff in front of you, the home viewer. Then, after each performance, our esteemed panel of judges will offer them constructive and entertaining criticism before finally assigning a numerical score to each act. At the end of the night, the contestant with the highest total score will be crowned your new 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments. Pretty cool, huh?

Crowd: Cheers.

Gordon: Dick or Nick or whatever you're going by these days, if you don't mind, I'm just going to go ahead and address the gigantic pink elephant in the room right here and now. If we absolutely must be sponsored by an adult diaper, why the hell isn't it 'Depends'? I mean, they are the leader in...(Mic Shut Off).

Nick Lachey: And now, without further delay, I have just one question for all the fans out there: Are you ready to get this party started?

Crowd: Cheers.

Nick Lachey: Then let's sell some Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments. Here with our first performance of the night - They're old, they're bold and they're ready to knock your socks off right now. Make some noise for the FBC Adult Choir!



Nick Lachey: Way to go! That was really awesome. One more time for the FBC Adult Choir.

Crowd: Cheers

Nick Lachey: I thought you were just terrific, but as we all know, I don't have a vote, so let's see what our Judges thought.

Jimmy Walker: Somebody tell Buffalo Butt we don't need no heat turned on tonight, 'cuz according to me, Jimmy Walker, this group right here is Dyn-o-mite!

Crowd: Cheers.

Marlee Matlin: 'click', (hand move), 'click', wooooonnnerfoooooooooool.

Crowd: Cheers.

Gordon: First off, here's hoping the good people at Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments spring for an interpreter before the commercial break, because if I have to sit here and listen to this woman's clicking all night long, somebody's going to get William Hurt.

Crowd: Boos.

Gordon: I kid, I kid. I love deaf people. But now to the performance. Honestly, I just don't really get it. You're old? Is that supposed to make this funny? You didn't sing well and the whole thing just seemed kind of forced. And by the smell coming off that YouTube clip, I'm guessing about 30 percent of you dropped a little loaf in your robes during the performance. Am I right? How's that for product integration, Mr. Salk?

Crowd: Boos.

Gordon: So here's the thing, if I want to laugh at old people, I'll watch 'The Golden Girls' or just go to the library. The whole performance just kind of sucked for me and I really hope you all listen to what I'm saying and stop doing crap like this in the future. Just buy a nice chair and sit in it 'til bedtime. Really disappointing.

Crowd: Boos.

Nick Lachey: Ok. Now let's take a look at the Judge's Scores.

JJ Walker - 8, Marlee Matlin - 9, Gordon - 1.

Nick Lachey: Which gives you a grand total of 15.

Gordon: Actually it adds up to 18 you pillow biting moron. (To Camera) Kids, do anything and everything possible to be good looking. It's the most important thing in the world.

Nick Lachey: Which gives you a grand total of 18. Congrats and let's hope it stands up until the end of the show.

Gordon: That's what she said.

Nick Lachey: Give it up one more time for the FBC Adult Choir!

Crowd: Cheers.

Nick Lachey: And now, here with our second performance of the night, hoping to to beat a score of 18 and proving you're never too young to do the 'Stanky Leg' - make some noise for 'Stanky Leg Baby'!



Nick Lachey: Wow. That was just awesome. You really gave it all you had. Nice work, 'Stanky Leg Baby'. Let's see what our Judges thought.

JJ Walker: I loved it in all kinds of weather, 'cuz 'Stanky Leg Baby', you got it all together. Dynomite!

Crowd: Cheers.

Marlee Matlin: (click), unggg, (click), (hand wave), (click), stannnnnnkkkk-taaaaasssstic.

Crowd: Cheers.

Gordon: Well spit, Marlee. Honestly, I asked for the news, not the weather, and by weather I mean the flying saliva of a deaf Academy Award winning actress who hasn't really done anything impressive since the 90's.

Crowd: Boos.

Gordon: I kid. Most of my friends are deaf people who talk funny. But seriously, Baby Stanky Leg, I don't get it. You're a baby and you're dancing to a popular hip-hop song. What's so impressive about that? I can do what you just did, so it's not that impressive to me. Not funny, not entertaining, not talented - sounds kind of like Nick Lachey.

Crowd: Boos.

Gordon: And one more last little tidbit. Is it just me or is anyone else scared to death that this kid is going to grow up into a thug who more than likely will be involved in a violent crime by the age of 18? No, this isn't racist, I'm just using common sense here. If you teach your baby to do the 'Stanky Leg' before it's second birthday, something tells me he or she will be learning how to do the 'Assault and Battery Leg' before their sophomore year in high school. I think the parents should invest in a tape of The Wiggles and maybe aim a touch higher. Parting shot - I also think this kid is fat.

Crowd: Boos.

Nick Lachey: Ok, 'Stanky Leg Baby', let's check your score.

JJ Walker - 9, Marlee Matlin - 9, Gordon - 1.

Nick Lachey: Ladies and gentleman, with a combined score of... (counting in his head for what seems like forever) 19, give it up for your new leader, 'Stanky Leg Baby'!

Crowd: Cheers.

Nick Lachey: Now, here with our third performance of the night, hoping to walk away with the coveted title of 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments, feast your eyes on this:



Nick Lachey: Wow. You are just awesome and brave for bearing your soul in such a public display. Great job and really well done. Now remember, you have to beat the score of 19 already posted by 'Stanky Leg Baby', so let's throw it over to our Judges and see how you did.

Jimmy Walker: Last night I dreampt I was chasin' this foxy chick... and her father was chasin' me, and the muggers was chasin' him, and the police was chasin' the muggers. Sort of a ghetto marathon! I thought it was dyn-o-mite!

Crowd: Cheers.

Marlee Matlin: (click), fist pump, (click click), doooosh brrrraaaaaggggg, (click).

Crowd Cheers.

Gordon: In the words of the late, great Walter Cronkite, "You suck gigantic rhino nuts." C'mon, dude, your dignity called and it wants you to pick up some tampons on the way home. What kind of moron would ever do this in private, let alone post it on the internet. And who the hell is this Veronica chick and what makes her so special? Listen to me when I say - Ain't no woman good enough to make a man call himself a douchebag. (to Marlee Matlin) Isn't that right, Motor Mouth?

Marlee Matlin: (extends the middle finger).

Gordon: For all of you blind people watching at home, Marlee Matlin has just given me the middle finger. But back to the performance. It just sucked. You're not funny, you're not cute and you probably listen to Jason Mraz. In closing, the whole thing was more pathetic than watching Nick Lachey get dumped in public by Jessica Simpson and then threatening to sue her for alimony because he was too scared of her Dad to just ask for a lump sum payoff in exchange for his silence. Isn't that right, Nick-O?

Nick Lachey: I'm currently engaged to Vanessa Minnillo and making 40 grand an episode hosting television shows like this on NBC.

Gordon: Nick Lachey is the reason Muslims hate America.

Nick Lachey: And now for the all important scores. Remember, uh, Douchebag Guy, 19 is the score to beat. Let's see what the Judges gave you.

Jimmy Walker - 8, Marlee Matlin - 7, Gordon - 1.

Nick Lachey: Oh my, that's a grand total of 16, which means not good enough. Best wishes in the future and good luck getting back together with Veronica. One last time for, uh, Douchebag Guy, everybody!

Crowd: Cheers

Nick Lachey: (To Crowd) Are you people having fun?

Crowd: Cheers.

Nick Lachey: Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments in da House!

Crowd: Confused at first, then Cheers.

Nick Lachey: Let's keep this party going. Here with our fourth performance of the night. One of the hottest young singers to come along in quite some time. Make some noise for the one and only Justin Bieber!



Nick Lachey: Honestly, that may have been even too gay for me, but let's see what the Judges think.

Jimmy Walker: I want to beat you with a stick.

Crowd: Cheers.

Marlee Matlin: I haaaattte youuurrrrrr gruttttttttttsss.

Crowd: Cheers.

Gordon: I think Marlee just stole my thoughts exactly, even though I have absolutely no clue what she just said. What I am certain about is the fact that Justin Bieber is evil and needs to be stopped at all costs.

Crowd: Cheers.

Nick Lachey: Can't say that I disagree, and I was in 98 degrees, so you know it's gotta be pretty bad. Judges scores...

Jimmy Walker - 0, Marlee Matlin - 0, Gordon - 0.

Nick Lachey: Wow. That's really bad. Well best of luck to Justin Bieber as he sells out stadiums and impregnates much older women for years to come. The music industry is just really horrible right now. Justin Bieber, everybody!

Crowd: Boos.

Nick Lachey: And now, before we get to our fifth and final performer of the night, won't you please join me in welcoming the founder and CEO of Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments, Mr. Gary Salk.

Crowd: Cheers.

Gary Salk: Thank you Nick Lachey and great job to all of our competitors so far this evening. Did you know that every 3 minutes, an adult somewhere in America accidentally soils his or herself due to incontinence? We here at Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments firmly believe that with lots of hard work and a little creative thinking, that number can go up to about 9 or 10 minutes by the year 2014. (Holds up product) The Salk Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarment offers a discrete absorbent pad with a soft, quilted top layer that wicks moisture and prevents painful bunching. Our super-durable inner fecal pad actually traps excrement and locks in liquids with 5 percent more efficiency than our nearest competitor. So the next time you accidentally empty your bowels in public, don't 'Depend' on anything other than Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments or 'urine' trouble. Thank you for watching, and now let's get back to the show.

Crowd: Cheers.

Nick Lachey: Great job, Gary, and God bless you and your staff. Now, here with the final performance of the night, needing to beat the score of 19 already posted by 'Stanky Leg Baby', put your hands together for three of the cutest little creatures this side of Alvin, Simon and Theodore, it's 'The Castillo Kids'!



Nick Lachey: Oh my goodness, could they possibly get any cuter? You three were just precious. Great job and I'm sure you've made your family watching at home incredibly proud. Just too cute. So here' the situation - 'Stanky Leg Baby' currently has a score of 19, which means you'll need at least a 20 to take home the title of 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments. Judges, let's hear it.

Jimmy Walker: You three are sweeter than a chow line and more precious than a food stamp stuck to the bottom of my good shoe. Jimmy Walker knows talent, and Jimmy Walker thinks 'The Castillo Kids' are Dyn-o-mite!

Crowd: Cheers.

Marlee Matlin: (raises one finger), (click), (points to her mouth), Faaaaaaaaaabbbbrrrrrruuuuuulllllllllouuuuurrrrrrrrsssssssssssssssssss.

Crowd: Cheers.

Gordon: (To Marlee) I'm guessing you've never successfully ordered Chinese Food over the phone?

Crowd: Boos Vehemently.

Gordon: C'mon. I love Chinese people. I love everybody. That is, everybody BUT 'The Castillo Kids'. Honestly, I am so sick and tired of watching singers get younger and younger. Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, The Jonas Brothers. At this rate we're just going to start hooking up amps to pregnant women's stomachs and selling it on iTunes for 99 cents a pop. Whatever happened to old people like Kenny Rogers, Crystal Gayle or Jewel? Are the Castillo kids cute? Sure, but so is my dog pooping on my neighbors cat, and you don't see me getting all excited about that very often anymore, do you? Here's the deal, a few minutes ago I was repulsed by 'Stanky Leg Baby' and the effects it may have on us as a culture, but now I understand the performance and totally support the message 'Stanky Leg Baby' is trying to get across. More 'stank' and less 'cute' is probably what this world needs right about now. We need more 'Castillo Kids' about as much as Stevie Wonder needs another venereal disease. Their whole performance just made me sick - kind of like every time I think about our impossibly moronic Host getting to bathe with Vanessa Minnillo whenever he wants to without having to offer her a 'talent holding deal' on MTV like the last guy she dated.

Nick Lachey: Lighten up a little, Gordon. Don't you think you're being a little bit hard on everybody tonight?

Marlee Matlin: Thaaaaatttts whaaaaat shhhrrreeeeee ssssrrrrrraid.

Gordon: Score one for Nell!

Marlee Matlin: (raising her other middle finger)

Nick Lachey: Moving right along. Five talented acts showed up here tonight in hopes of walking away with the coveted title of 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments. So far, three have failed at their quest, and only one last group has the chance to steal the crown away from 'Stanky Leg Baby'. Now for the moment you've all been waiting for. Let's get to the Judges scores and find out who our big winner will be tonight.

Jimmy Walker - 10, Marlee Matlin - 10.

Gordon: So let me get this straight - so far 'The Castillo Kids' have a 20 and 'Baby Stanky Leg' has a 19?

Nick Lachey: You are correct, which technically means your vote doesn't really matter and we already have a winner.

Gordon: No so fast, douchebag. As I mentioned before, the only thing more dangerous to our country right now than gang members in training is cute young non-gang members taking over the airwaves and knocking people like Eddie Money and Alabama off the charts. I'm casting my vote for the future of America and I'm giving 'The Castillo Kids' a negative two.

Crowd: Boos and Hisses.

Nick Lachey: Actually, Gordon, I don't think you're technically allowed to do that.

Gordon: I've got pictures of you humping Lance Bass at an America Music Awards after-party in 2003 on my iPhone.

Nick Lachey: And there you have it. With a grand total of 19 points, your winner of the first ever 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments is... 'Stanky Leg Baby'... thanks to Gordon's unprecedented vote of negative two points for a family of adorable and well-mannered Latino children singers.

Crowd: Cheers, Boos, Wild Applause and smattered Guffaws.

Nick Lachey: Unfortunately, 'Stanky Leg Baby' is currently embroiled in a domestic dispute at home right this very moment and therefore unable to accept the 'Golden Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarment' award in person, but I do understand we have 'Stanky Leg Baby's Mama' on the phone via YouTube right now. Go ahead, 'Stanky Leg Baby Mama'.



Nick Lachey: Well I certainly do hope everything turns out for the best over there. Thanks again to our Judges and four losing acts for doing such a wonderful job tonight. And congrats once again to 'Stanky Leg Baby' for becoming the first ever 'Internet Video Champion' presented by Salk's Adult-Sized Sanitary Undergarments. I'm Nick Lachey saying - keep your feet on the ground and your excrement in your Salk's. (To producer off camera) Really? Good night, everybody!